On the Rocks
Things are going a lot smoother at work now. I have been doing my new job position for a few months and am already getting praises from my bosses and lo's and u/w's about how well i am doing. I am so glad it is working out for me so i am going to hold onto this peace at work for as long as i possibly can. My personal life seems to be going a little sour this weekend.
I'm going to share something very personal on here because i don't feel like i can share this with anyone I know. The sex-life in my marriage is dull, lacking, and unfulfilling. There I said it. It is rarity and when it does happen, it is plain ol' vanilla sex. I swear I try to make it interesting but my husband doesn't seem interested in sex and i don't mean with just me, he just doesn't care much for sex, period. He's never been that into it, but somehow i always thought it would get better eventually or once we're married, or once we start trying for a baby. I love him and that should be enough and all that matters, right? Who was I kidding. I don't even know how to relate with someone who doesn't have a sex-drive. I feel like the crazed horn-dog man in our relationship and he's the "i have a headache" kind of girl.
What made me realize we really have a problem, is that we are trying to have a baby. It doesn't take a genius to realize what has to happen to have one. But at the same time, I have needs too. I've tried to talk to him about it, he gets embarrassed, or mad, or shuts down completely and doesn't want to talk at all.
Last night, i was tired of this lacking relationship and tried to talk to him about it. I was tired of feeling like the horny guy in the relationship, and tired of asking for sex and getting rejected nearly every time. I can't help it, we're not 70 years old here, i'm still in my 20's dammit so where's the fucking passion? Is this how marriage is supposed to be at my age?
Last night i said something i probably shouldn't have before we fell asleep after getting rejected for the 8th time this week. I said Fine, i guess if i want sex i have to get it somewhere else, because i know its a rarity around here. Isn't that horrible? I feel horrible for even thinking it. He was pissed and I don't blame him. Maybe he needed to know its that serious? But is it that serious? I don't ever want to cheat, i'm not the type to do that and its been done to me before so i know how horrible it is on the receiving end. I don't know what else my options are, he won't even talk to me about it. It's so strange that i now know why people go outside of their marriage for sex. I will NEVER do that, but i can't help thinking about it all the time. Maybe i'll pick up a new hobby, like drinking.
Off my Rocker
So i'm a little off my rocker this month. I got a pretty nice promotion at work but it didn't come without a price. So far, I am extremely overwhelmed with my new work load. I have too many loan officers that are high maintenance and i am getting way to much in a day to keep up with. I think i am going to have a talk with my boss about it on Monday so i hope it goes well and she sees my side of it clearly. I hope i don't come across like i can't handle my job because i really do have too much on my plate even compared to other processors. I've been reading a book about change and how when everything changes, you need to change everything. This change was my idea, and i wanted it but i didn't want it like this. I need a balance between work and home life like i had before. I am so stressed when i come home that i cannot even hold a decent conversation with my husband. i am working late every single weekday and working weekends as well. This is not a life that i would choose so this is why i need to talk with my boss. I am not going to tell her all that ofcourse. But i am going to tell her it is too much and i don't want to be setup for failure. Anyway, wish me luck tomorrow...tata
Beautiful Mind
Happy Sunday Morning Little Bloggie! :)
So, I logged into blogger this morning with the intention of ranting about our current global condition, and the effects of corrupt government and the FDA. However, in reading the last few blogs of mine, I realize that I have been going down a negative spiral lately. I am going to do my best to think positively and not worry about the things I cannot change or fix in my current life situation, nationwide, or globally while continuously seeking the truth.
I have been spending so much time on Esoteric Tube lately and even though its good to know the truth about what is going on, I think it is what is getting me off track. So I need to set some boundaries as an independent thinker, a truth-er, and spiritualist. What I can do is help to solve the worlds problems by being aware, making others aware, and doing the best I can to remain positive that we will overcome the obstacles we face. In my quest of spirituality I've learned that you cannot give to much thought to worldly matters. However, at some point, the independent thinker, truth-er, and spiritualist all have to coincide with each other. Whether we like it or not, we are among living, we still require food, shelter, health, seek quality of life, etc. Each of these require money and lets face it, this is politics.
As an Independent thinker, it's necessary to have opinions. As a truth-er, it's necessary to get the facts and know where you stand on them or else it can get the best of you, physically. The trick for the spiritualist, is to remain positive and at the same time disconnect with it so it doesn't sever your spirit.
Love and Light
~Tracie
So, I logged into blogger this morning with the intention of ranting about our current global condition, and the effects of corrupt government and the FDA. However, in reading the last few blogs of mine, I realize that I have been going down a negative spiral lately. I am going to do my best to think positively and not worry about the things I cannot change or fix in my current life situation, nationwide, or globally while continuously seeking the truth.
I have been spending so much time on Esoteric Tube lately and even though its good to know the truth about what is going on, I think it is what is getting me off track. So I need to set some boundaries as an independent thinker, a truth-er, and spiritualist. What I can do is help to solve the worlds problems by being aware, making others aware, and doing the best I can to remain positive that we will overcome the obstacles we face. In my quest of spirituality I've learned that you cannot give to much thought to worldly matters. However, at some point, the independent thinker, truth-er, and spiritualist all have to coincide with each other. Whether we like it or not, we are among living, we still require food, shelter, health, seek quality of life, etc. Each of these require money and lets face it, this is politics.
As an Independent thinker, it's necessary to have opinions. As a truth-er, it's necessary to get the facts and know where you stand on them or else it can get the best of you, physically. The trick for the spiritualist, is to remain positive and at the same time disconnect with it so it doesn't sever your spirit.
Love and Light
~Tracie
Baby Blues
It's so weird how at a certain point and age in your life the baby blues hit you like a ton of bricks and when it hits, it hits hard. That's what is happening to me right now anyway. I'm not sure if it's because I just got married, or seeing other people with babies or what. It's like my body has this instinct and it craves to be a nurturing mother and all of a sudden too. Weird huh? I think it's weird that I have no control over it because I think I used to have more control over it than I do now.
My husband (Formally known as "Mr. February") thinks I'm a little obsessive with buying pregnancy books, taking the long route through a store to go through the baby clothes section, but in the end he knows he wants a baby too! Maybe he's right...I am jumping ahead, but I just can't help it! I'm thinking he's a little afraid of loosing xbox time...my thought on that is I hope he grows up a little before we do have one so I don't have two babies on my hands. I just want one for now and it looks like I got it :) Happy Saturday!
My husband (Formally known as "Mr. February") thinks I'm a little obsessive with buying pregnancy books, taking the long route through a store to go through the baby clothes section, but in the end he knows he wants a baby too! Maybe he's right...I am jumping ahead, but I just can't help it! I'm thinking he's a little afraid of loosing xbox time...my thought on that is I hope he grows up a little before we do have one so I don't have two babies on my hands. I just want one for now and it looks like I got it :) Happy Saturday!
Working Girl Dilemma
Good Morning little Bloggie. Today I am a little down in the dumps. I'm pretty sure it has to do with the company party I attended this past Friday. I have been working for my company for 2.5 years now so I am comfortable and happy with my job and co-workers for the most part.
At the party I was introduced to one of my clients for the first time, and I was truly excited to meet them after all this time. Once I was introuduced, one of the first things they said to me is "we have to admit, we told your boss we didn't think you were going to make it for a long time but now you've got it and girl you kick ass!" Although it is a compliment to my current work, it still hurts that they thought this and communitcated it with my bosses. I take great pride in my work and really do the best I can so when I hear that the best I can isn't near good enough, it just feels like a slap in the face. When I first started working there, they gave me a HUGE workload full of their most high maintenance clients and more than anyone else (they must have had a lot of faith in me) but it really affected the attention I was able to give each of my clients individually. I know that is what happened but they don't know that part of the story.
So, I'm not sure where to take it from here. I know that I am going to continue to do the best that I can and even try a little harder. I am also going to try to not think about what was said because it doesn't do any good to beat myself up over it. The good news is, in their opinion is that I "kick ass"...so whatever.
At the party I was introduced to one of my clients for the first time, and I was truly excited to meet them after all this time. Once I was introuduced, one of the first things they said to me is "we have to admit, we told your boss we didn't think you were going to make it for a long time but now you've got it and girl you kick ass!" Although it is a compliment to my current work, it still hurts that they thought this and communitcated it with my bosses. I take great pride in my work and really do the best I can so when I hear that the best I can isn't near good enough, it just feels like a slap in the face. When I first started working there, they gave me a HUGE workload full of their most high maintenance clients and more than anyone else (they must have had a lot of faith in me) but it really affected the attention I was able to give each of my clients individually. I know that is what happened but they don't know that part of the story.
So, I'm not sure where to take it from here. I know that I am going to continue to do the best that I can and even try a little harder. I am also going to try to not think about what was said because it doesn't do any good to beat myself up over it. The good news is, in their opinion is that I "kick ass"...so whatever.
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