On the Rocks

Things are going a lot smoother at work now. I have been doing my new job position for a few months and am already getting praises from my bosses and lo's and u/w's about how well i am doing. I am so glad it is working out for me so i am going to hold onto this peace at work for as long as i possibly can. My personal life seems to be going a little sour this weekend. I'm going to share something very personal on here because i don't feel like i can share this with anyone I know. The sex-life in my marriage is dull, lacking, and unfulfilling. There I said it. It is rarity and when it does happen, it is plain ol' vanilla sex. I swear I try to make it interesting but my husband doesn't seem interested in sex and i don't mean with just me, he just doesn't care much for sex, period. He's never been that into it, but somehow i always thought it would get better eventually or once we're married, or once we start trying for a baby. I love him and that should be enough and all that matters, right? Who was I kidding. I don't even know how to relate with someone who doesn't have a sex-drive. I feel like the crazed horn-dog man in our relationship and he's the "i have a headache" kind of girl. What made me realize we really have a problem, is that we are trying to have a baby. It doesn't take a genius to realize what has to happen to have one. But at the same time, I have needs too. I've tried to talk to him about it, he gets embarrassed, or mad, or shuts down completely and doesn't want to talk at all. Last night, i was tired of this lacking relationship and tried to talk to him about it. I was tired of feeling like the horny guy in the relationship, and tired of asking for sex and getting rejected nearly every time. I can't help it, we're not 70 years old here, i'm still in my 20's dammit so where's the fucking passion? Is this how marriage is supposed to be at my age? Last night i said something i probably shouldn't have before we fell asleep after getting rejected for the 8th time this week. I said Fine, i guess if i want sex i have to get it somewhere else, because i know its a rarity around here. Isn't that horrible? I feel horrible for even thinking it. He was pissed and I don't blame him. Maybe he needed to know its that serious? But is it that serious? I don't ever want to cheat, i'm not the type to do that and its been done to me before so i know how horrible it is on the receiving end. I don't know what else my options are, he won't even talk to me about it. It's so strange that i now know why people go outside of their marriage for sex. I will NEVER do that, but i can't help thinking about it all the time. Maybe i'll pick up a new hobby, like drinking.