On the Rocks
Things are going a lot smoother at work now. I have been doing my new job position for a few months and am already getting praises from my bosses and lo's and u/w's about how well i am doing. I am so glad it is working out for me so i am going to hold onto this peace at work for as long as i possibly can. My personal life seems to be going a little sour this weekend.
I'm going to share something very personal on here because i don't feel like i can share this with anyone I know. The sex-life in my marriage is dull, lacking, and unfulfilling. There I said it. It is rarity and when it does happen, it is plain ol' vanilla sex. I swear I try to make it interesting but my husband doesn't seem interested in sex and i don't mean with just me, he just doesn't care much for sex, period. He's never been that into it, but somehow i always thought it would get better eventually or once we're married, or once we start trying for a baby. I love him and that should be enough and all that matters, right? Who was I kidding. I don't even know how to relate with someone who doesn't have a sex-drive. I feel like the crazed horn-dog man in our relationship and he's the "i have a headache" kind of girl.
What made me realize we really have a problem, is that we are trying to have a baby. It doesn't take a genius to realize what has to happen to have one. But at the same time, I have needs too. I've tried to talk to him about it, he gets embarrassed, or mad, or shuts down completely and doesn't want to talk at all.
Last night, i was tired of this lacking relationship and tried to talk to him about it. I was tired of feeling like the horny guy in the relationship, and tired of asking for sex and getting rejected nearly every time. I can't help it, we're not 70 years old here, i'm still in my 20's dammit so where's the fucking passion? Is this how marriage is supposed to be at my age?
Last night i said something i probably shouldn't have before we fell asleep after getting rejected for the 8th time this week. I said Fine, i guess if i want sex i have to get it somewhere else, because i know its a rarity around here. Isn't that horrible? I feel horrible for even thinking it. He was pissed and I don't blame him. Maybe he needed to know its that serious? But is it that serious? I don't ever want to cheat, i'm not the type to do that and its been done to me before so i know how horrible it is on the receiving end. I don't know what else my options are, he won't even talk to me about it. It's so strange that i now know why people go outside of their marriage for sex. I will NEVER do that, but i can't help thinking about it all the time. Maybe i'll pick up a new hobby, like drinking.
Off my Rocker
So i'm a little off my rocker this month. I got a pretty nice promotion at work but it didn't come without a price. So far, I am extremely overwhelmed with my new work load. I have too many loan officers that are high maintenance and i am getting way to much in a day to keep up with. I think i am going to have a talk with my boss about it on Monday so i hope it goes well and she sees my side of it clearly. I hope i don't come across like i can't handle my job because i really do have too much on my plate even compared to other processors. I've been reading a book about change and how when everything changes, you need to change everything. This change was my idea, and i wanted it but i didn't want it like this. I need a balance between work and home life like i had before. I am so stressed when i come home that i cannot even hold a decent conversation with my husband. i am working late every single weekday and working weekends as well. This is not a life that i would choose so this is why i need to talk with my boss. I am not going to tell her all that ofcourse. But i am going to tell her it is too much and i don't want to be setup for failure. Anyway, wish me luck tomorrow...tata
Beautiful Mind
Happy Sunday Morning Little Bloggie! :)
So, I logged into blogger this morning with the intention of ranting about our current global condition, and the effects of corrupt government and the FDA. However, in reading the last few blogs of mine, I realize that I have been going down a negative spiral lately. I am going to do my best to think positively and not worry about the things I cannot change or fix in my current life situation, nationwide, or globally while continuously seeking the truth.
I have been spending so much time on Esoteric Tube lately and even though its good to know the truth about what is going on, I think it is what is getting me off track. So I need to set some boundaries as an independent thinker, a truth-er, and spiritualist. What I can do is help to solve the worlds problems by being aware, making others aware, and doing the best I can to remain positive that we will overcome the obstacles we face. In my quest of spirituality I've learned that you cannot give to much thought to worldly matters. However, at some point, the independent thinker, truth-er, and spiritualist all have to coincide with each other. Whether we like it or not, we are among living, we still require food, shelter, health, seek quality of life, etc. Each of these require money and lets face it, this is politics.
As an Independent thinker, it's necessary to have opinions. As a truth-er, it's necessary to get the facts and know where you stand on them or else it can get the best of you, physically. The trick for the spiritualist, is to remain positive and at the same time disconnect with it so it doesn't sever your spirit.
Love and Light
~Tracie
So, I logged into blogger this morning with the intention of ranting about our current global condition, and the effects of corrupt government and the FDA. However, in reading the last few blogs of mine, I realize that I have been going down a negative spiral lately. I am going to do my best to think positively and not worry about the things I cannot change or fix in my current life situation, nationwide, or globally while continuously seeking the truth.
I have been spending so much time on Esoteric Tube lately and even though its good to know the truth about what is going on, I think it is what is getting me off track. So I need to set some boundaries as an independent thinker, a truth-er, and spiritualist. What I can do is help to solve the worlds problems by being aware, making others aware, and doing the best I can to remain positive that we will overcome the obstacles we face. In my quest of spirituality I've learned that you cannot give to much thought to worldly matters. However, at some point, the independent thinker, truth-er, and spiritualist all have to coincide with each other. Whether we like it or not, we are among living, we still require food, shelter, health, seek quality of life, etc. Each of these require money and lets face it, this is politics.
As an Independent thinker, it's necessary to have opinions. As a truth-er, it's necessary to get the facts and know where you stand on them or else it can get the best of you, physically. The trick for the spiritualist, is to remain positive and at the same time disconnect with it so it doesn't sever your spirit.
Love and Light
~Tracie
Baby Blues
It's so weird how at a certain point and age in your life the baby blues hit you like a ton of bricks and when it hits, it hits hard. That's what is happening to me right now anyway. I'm not sure if it's because I just got married, or seeing other people with babies or what. It's like my body has this instinct and it craves to be a nurturing mother and all of a sudden too. Weird huh? I think it's weird that I have no control over it because I think I used to have more control over it than I do now.
My husband (Formally known as "Mr. February") thinks I'm a little obsessive with buying pregnancy books, taking the long route through a store to go through the baby clothes section, but in the end he knows he wants a baby too! Maybe he's right...I am jumping ahead, but I just can't help it! I'm thinking he's a little afraid of loosing xbox time...my thought on that is I hope he grows up a little before we do have one so I don't have two babies on my hands. I just want one for now and it looks like I got it :) Happy Saturday!
My husband (Formally known as "Mr. February") thinks I'm a little obsessive with buying pregnancy books, taking the long route through a store to go through the baby clothes section, but in the end he knows he wants a baby too! Maybe he's right...I am jumping ahead, but I just can't help it! I'm thinking he's a little afraid of loosing xbox time...my thought on that is I hope he grows up a little before we do have one so I don't have two babies on my hands. I just want one for now and it looks like I got it :) Happy Saturday!
Working Girl Dilemma
Good Morning little Bloggie. Today I am a little down in the dumps. I'm pretty sure it has to do with the company party I attended this past Friday. I have been working for my company for 2.5 years now so I am comfortable and happy with my job and co-workers for the most part.
At the party I was introduced to one of my clients for the first time, and I was truly excited to meet them after all this time. Once I was introuduced, one of the first things they said to me is "we have to admit, we told your boss we didn't think you were going to make it for a long time but now you've got it and girl you kick ass!" Although it is a compliment to my current work, it still hurts that they thought this and communitcated it with my bosses. I take great pride in my work and really do the best I can so when I hear that the best I can isn't near good enough, it just feels like a slap in the face. When I first started working there, they gave me a HUGE workload full of their most high maintenance clients and more than anyone else (they must have had a lot of faith in me) but it really affected the attention I was able to give each of my clients individually. I know that is what happened but they don't know that part of the story.
So, I'm not sure where to take it from here. I know that I am going to continue to do the best that I can and even try a little harder. I am also going to try to not think about what was said because it doesn't do any good to beat myself up over it. The good news is, in their opinion is that I "kick ass"...so whatever.
At the party I was introduced to one of my clients for the first time, and I was truly excited to meet them after all this time. Once I was introuduced, one of the first things they said to me is "we have to admit, we told your boss we didn't think you were going to make it for a long time but now you've got it and girl you kick ass!" Although it is a compliment to my current work, it still hurts that they thought this and communitcated it with my bosses. I take great pride in my work and really do the best I can so when I hear that the best I can isn't near good enough, it just feels like a slap in the face. When I first started working there, they gave me a HUGE workload full of their most high maintenance clients and more than anyone else (they must have had a lot of faith in me) but it really affected the attention I was able to give each of my clients individually. I know that is what happened but they don't know that part of the story.
So, I'm not sure where to take it from here. I know that I am going to continue to do the best that I can and even try a little harder. I am also going to try to not think about what was said because it doesn't do any good to beat myself up over it. The good news is, in their opinion is that I "kick ass"...so whatever.
Happy Birthday to Me!
Today I turned the ripe old age of 28. I remember a time when I never thought i would live to see myself at this age. At 15, 28 seemed a lifetime away...and it was!
28 is nothing to complain about though, I still have my health, my future, my youthfulness and I am still having fun. But this year in particular is going to be a good year for me. This is the year that everything will be turned around for the better. I will be marrying the most awesome person i have ever met this year. He truly is a good person and has a good heart. I honestly cannot say that about many people these days. His family is just like him, very kindhearted. I am so lucky to be marrying him!
I feel good about my financial situation this year too unlike the other years. This year I am credit card debt free! I didn't say debt free, i just said credit card debt free. It doesn't sound like a big deal but it is when you have had to live off of credit cards just to get by in the past...college days mostly. Now all i have is my student loans, and car note! It feels good and peaceful to be in this financial position. A year ago I was far far from it and had a long road in front of me.
I am also going on a really good honeymoon to playa del carmen in a few months with Dave. And we have it paid for already! I'm so excited, I have needed a real vacation for years and this will be just what the doctor ordered! I consider it my reward for getting my financial butt in shape! lol.
So here's to a peaceful and happy year, 28 and still counting! :)
28 is nothing to complain about though, I still have my health, my future, my youthfulness and I am still having fun. But this year in particular is going to be a good year for me. This is the year that everything will be turned around for the better. I will be marrying the most awesome person i have ever met this year. He truly is a good person and has a good heart. I honestly cannot say that about many people these days. His family is just like him, very kindhearted. I am so lucky to be marrying him!
I feel good about my financial situation this year too unlike the other years. This year I am credit card debt free! I didn't say debt free, i just said credit card debt free. It doesn't sound like a big deal but it is when you have had to live off of credit cards just to get by in the past...college days mostly. Now all i have is my student loans, and car note! It feels good and peaceful to be in this financial position. A year ago I was far far from it and had a long road in front of me.
I am also going on a really good honeymoon to playa del carmen in a few months with Dave. And we have it paid for already! I'm so excited, I have needed a real vacation for years and this will be just what the doctor ordered! I consider it my reward for getting my financial butt in shape! lol.
So here's to a peaceful and happy year, 28 and still counting! :)
Mr. February - Update
This morning I was reading back through some of my old posts on this little bloggie and oh how I make myself giggle. I did realize however that I completely forgot to give an update on my current life situation (if you even care lol) So anyway, I'm still with Mr. February and we have been together now for 1 year 3 months! That is damn near a record breaker for a guy in my life lately. We now live together by ourselves in a 2 bedroom apartment in the suburbs of DFW and oh what a cute and quaint life we have made for ourselves too! :) We are also engaged to be married in October and headed to Mexico for our much needed honeymoon vacation! I'm very very excited about that one! You know that song (can't remember who sings it) Aruba, Jamaica, oooo i wanna take ya.....we'll get there fast and then we'll take it slow, that's where we wanna go...blah blah. WELL, that song has been stuck in my head for days which makes it very difficult to be at work sometimes! Speaking of work I am still at the same place doing the same ol' thing but that doesn't really matter as long as I enjoy what I'm doing eh? Here's what I would rather do with my time. I intend to open an organic herb, spice, and essential oil shop, maybe throw in some healing crystals too. Doesn't that sound wonderful? Well it does to me. I also intend to win the lottery. So i bought my first ticket last week! Didn't win, but I will! lol Anyway, that's that so have a Happy Sunday! Peace.
Religion Vs. Reality
For the past 3 years I have been on a spiritual path leading me away from any and all religion of which I was raised on. It's actually kind of a scary thing to turn your back on something you've been taught your whole life and embrace something your family deeply disapproves of. But the fact is, once you start questioning religion from an "honest to God" point of view, it's extremely hard to go back to religion. It's like an awakening and you don't want to go back to sleep. The problem I have with it is that it's very lonely on this end of it. Yes, I still believe in God with every molecule of my body, mind, and soul, but I do not believe in religion. I believe God exists in us, through us, and all around us. I also believe we are God. I think my religious family and friends would agree with this to some extent, but tell them "I am god", and they call you a blasphemer. They see only half the picture and trying to explain it to them seems to be useless because to them, the very topic is blasphemous.
My entire family and many of my friends are religious people and they are wonderful, sweet, loving people so there is nothing wrong with them following whatever religion they feel necessary. I have to admit that I do have a hard time with their constant attempts to "save me". Here is what I think is sweet, they love me and they want me to be happy eternally with them (in their perspective) and the only way is to believe that God is going to damn me to hell if i don't follow their religion so they want me to follow it. These things have been hard-coded in their head for decades and decades, three times a week, so it's hard to even bring it up without getting judged and ridiculed for it...it's easier sometimes to let them think you believe what they do, which doesn't feel good to me but it is what it is.
5 Years ago, i was the most devout Christian do-gooder, girl next door type you would ever meet so i know the Christian views. I remember all those questions people have as a religious-type that are always unanswered by the elders as "because we're christian and that's how we do it" or "that's just way it is" or "don't question it or there will be consequences by god" I also have lived in reality for the past 3 years and reality has answers that are not fairy tale, mythological, or out-dated made up speeches that have been passed down from generation to generation and changed along the way to fit into your situation perfectly and make you feel guilty for the rest of your life.
The reality: Humans are not here to live an unhappy life, do what makes you truly, "honest to god" happy and the only way to know exactly what makes you honest to God happy is to go to your soul (your inner God)to find that out, not your mind. For example, if you think it will make you happy to cheat on your wife or husband...go inside and ask yourself. Will this make me truly honest to god happy? Your mind and body may tell you yes, but your soul may tell you something different. Why? Maybe because it is not who you are to hurt your spouse, or live with the guilt, or hide something from him or her. However, your soul may tell you yes. Shocker coming from me, I know! Or most importantly, your soul doesn't seek worldly pleasures. Here's why your soul may say yes: Because it is "who you are" and your soul wants you to experience who you really are (God) and the only way to do this is to have have experiences to bring you closer to that realization. In some cases, cheating on your husband/wife may bring you closer to the realization of who you are more than any other experience and knowing exactly who you really are and experiencing it is the only pathway to peace and happiness (heaven).
Let me tell you a personal life experience of mine. I got married at 22 to my now ex-husband that told me he wanted to cheat on me 4 months after we got married with a girl he met from work. Gutsy he was! I was at the point in my life when i was a devout church-going christian that thought this is the worst thing you could ever do to someone (I still have an opinion about it but that doesn't matter here). He didn't do it, but he asked for a divorce instead. Which I refused to give to him until he did the act due to my religious reasons. Eventually he did, I gave him his divorce and he eventually married this girl and had a baby with her. I now truly believe they are happy and perfect for each other and I don't mean it in an offensive or sarcastic way either. Don't think for a second this was easily realized because I had nearly made myself crazy over it for years. It wasn't until after I left religion that I realized how much I admired him for doing what he did regardless of the religious judgemental attitudes and condemnations he got from me and just about everyone he and I knew. Yes, I admire him for cheating on me! Because he did whatever it took to make himself Honest to God happy and he went inward to do it. He didn't listen to anyone, just his inner truth to live the life he needed to experience. He knew what he had to do to expireience "who he really is" and now we are both happier and closer to the realization of "who we are" as individuals so I thank God that he followed his heart and soul. To me, the most admirable characteristic anyone can have is follwoing and living ones own truth.
Peace. :)
My entire family and many of my friends are religious people and they are wonderful, sweet, loving people so there is nothing wrong with them following whatever religion they feel necessary. I have to admit that I do have a hard time with their constant attempts to "save me". Here is what I think is sweet, they love me and they want me to be happy eternally with them (in their perspective) and the only way is to believe that God is going to damn me to hell if i don't follow their religion so they want me to follow it. These things have been hard-coded in their head for decades and decades, three times a week, so it's hard to even bring it up without getting judged and ridiculed for it...it's easier sometimes to let them think you believe what they do, which doesn't feel good to me but it is what it is.
5 Years ago, i was the most devout Christian do-gooder, girl next door type you would ever meet so i know the Christian views. I remember all those questions people have as a religious-type that are always unanswered by the elders as "because we're christian and that's how we do it" or "that's just way it is" or "don't question it or there will be consequences by god" I also have lived in reality for the past 3 years and reality has answers that are not fairy tale, mythological, or out-dated made up speeches that have been passed down from generation to generation and changed along the way to fit into your situation perfectly and make you feel guilty for the rest of your life.
The reality: Humans are not here to live an unhappy life, do what makes you truly, "honest to god" happy and the only way to know exactly what makes you honest to God happy is to go to your soul (your inner God)to find that out, not your mind. For example, if you think it will make you happy to cheat on your wife or husband...go inside and ask yourself. Will this make me truly honest to god happy? Your mind and body may tell you yes, but your soul may tell you something different. Why? Maybe because it is not who you are to hurt your spouse, or live with the guilt, or hide something from him or her. However, your soul may tell you yes. Shocker coming from me, I know! Or most importantly, your soul doesn't seek worldly pleasures. Here's why your soul may say yes: Because it is "who you are" and your soul wants you to experience who you really are (God) and the only way to do this is to have have experiences to bring you closer to that realization. In some cases, cheating on your husband/wife may bring you closer to the realization of who you are more than any other experience and knowing exactly who you really are and experiencing it is the only pathway to peace and happiness (heaven).
Let me tell you a personal life experience of mine. I got married at 22 to my now ex-husband that told me he wanted to cheat on me 4 months after we got married with a girl he met from work. Gutsy he was! I was at the point in my life when i was a devout church-going christian that thought this is the worst thing you could ever do to someone (I still have an opinion about it but that doesn't matter here). He didn't do it, but he asked for a divorce instead. Which I refused to give to him until he did the act due to my religious reasons. Eventually he did, I gave him his divorce and he eventually married this girl and had a baby with her. I now truly believe they are happy and perfect for each other and I don't mean it in an offensive or sarcastic way either. Don't think for a second this was easily realized because I had nearly made myself crazy over it for years. It wasn't until after I left religion that I realized how much I admired him for doing what he did regardless of the religious judgemental attitudes and condemnations he got from me and just about everyone he and I knew. Yes, I admire him for cheating on me! Because he did whatever it took to make himself Honest to God happy and he went inward to do it. He didn't listen to anyone, just his inner truth to live the life he needed to experience. He knew what he had to do to expireience "who he really is" and now we are both happier and closer to the realization of "who we are" as individuals so I thank God that he followed his heart and soul. To me, the most admirable characteristic anyone can have is follwoing and living ones own truth.
Peace. :)
Tapping Into My HIgher Conscience
With all the changes I am facing and the increasingly high levels of stress at this point in my life, I have decided today that I need a spiritual rejuvenation. I need to get back to the "me" that is enlightened and ready to take on the world with a higher consciousness. I can tell and so can anyone who reads my blog lately that I have been headed down the spiral instead of moving up it...and I am not going down like that!
Today is Sunday, and what better day to get back to a spiritual wellness than a quiet peaceful Sunday afternoon in late September? This is todays purpose for me and I intend to take full advantage of this opportunity. :) Today I am focusing my attention inward and trying to get down to the root of the emotional state I am in. I will not listen to my mind rambling relentlessly, I will listen to my emotions and inner truth and get to the true reasons certain things are bothering me. I will do my best to dwell in the NOW without revisiting any Past events or actions and thoughts for the future.
"When your consciousness is directed outward, mind and world arise. When it is directed inward, it realizes its own Source and returns home into the Unmanifested" - Eckhart Tolle
Today is Sunday, and what better day to get back to a spiritual wellness than a quiet peaceful Sunday afternoon in late September? This is todays purpose for me and I intend to take full advantage of this opportunity. :) Today I am focusing my attention inward and trying to get down to the root of the emotional state I am in. I will not listen to my mind rambling relentlessly, I will listen to my emotions and inner truth and get to the true reasons certain things are bothering me. I will do my best to dwell in the NOW without revisiting any Past events or actions and thoughts for the future.
"When your consciousness is directed outward, mind and world arise. When it is directed inward, it realizes its own Source and returns home into the Unmanifested" - Eckhart Tolle
Life's an Adventure!
My life is an amazing adventure that never seems to surprise me. Even when life takes a turn that isn't so much fun it's still an adventure in itself. That's the way I see it, and I love adventure. You have to take life as a whole, not just the good times and avoid the hard times...that's life and we should embrace it all. I am trying to reach the spritual level of being fearless of life, it's tough and I still have a long way to go but here's the guidelines i've come up with so far.
-Never be afraid to die--Fear is derived upon the end result of death, and when you're not afraid of death you're not afraid of life. The trick is to understand that death is not the end of life.
-What you resist, persists. For instance, if you are fearful of loosing your job or family member and frantically resist it, you literally create and live it. Instead, embrace it and take the steps you need to take for when or if it does.
-Just breath--go inward constantly and meditate. When things less desired happen, reflect on them. Ask yourself, what is the absolute worst that could happen from this? Accept that possibility and move on!
-Do things you never would have done before, live life to the fullest and do anything and everything you want--You reallly have absolutely nothing to loose!
-There is no hell unless you create it. Sin and hell is just something the governements made up thousands of years ago to control the populace. It worked and is still working. There is nothing wrong or right about anything. It just is what it is!--Follow the golden rule "Treat others the way you would want to be treated".
Follow these basic guidelines and you will have the most liberating, rewarding, and adventurous life you can imagine! :)
-Never be afraid to die--Fear is derived upon the end result of death, and when you're not afraid of death you're not afraid of life. The trick is to understand that death is not the end of life.
-What you resist, persists. For instance, if you are fearful of loosing your job or family member and frantically resist it, you literally create and live it. Instead, embrace it and take the steps you need to take for when or if it does.
-Just breath--go inward constantly and meditate. When things less desired happen, reflect on them. Ask yourself, what is the absolute worst that could happen from this? Accept that possibility and move on!
-Do things you never would have done before, live life to the fullest and do anything and everything you want--You reallly have absolutely nothing to loose!
-There is no hell unless you create it. Sin and hell is just something the governements made up thousands of years ago to control the populace. It worked and is still working. There is nothing wrong or right about anything. It just is what it is!--Follow the golden rule "Treat others the way you would want to be treated".
Follow these basic guidelines and you will have the most liberating, rewarding, and adventurous life you can imagine! :)
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